This is a hard post to write and I've been going back and forth about it all day. But I figured that in a worst-case scenario, I could delete it from the internet (hopefully) forever. So here we go!
As you probably got from the past few posts, things have not quite gone as planned with this new running goal. So I am preemptively choosing to fail it. My goal was to set a new personal record (PR) at a 5k at the start of March. I had a plan mapped out with all kinds of the right workouts. But unfortunately, I don't feel like I can complete them right now. And I'm trying to make my peace with that.
Like most people, I don't like to fail. Actually, during my running career, I have been pretty fortunate; I haven't experienced too many total failures, like having to drop out of a race or having to quit running for a while. If anything, I've been somewhat fail-free. The one exception was last spring, when I decided that I wanted to break my 10k time. For some reason, 10k is a distance that I do not seem to have an understanding with. Even last fall, when I was training for the marathon, I thought that I had a really great chance at a PR when I did a 10k as a turkey trot in Detroit. Feeling pretty good through four miles, my plan was to gun it through miles 5-6.2, thus hopefully breaking my 10k PR. Sadly, I missed the 5M marker and was not wearing my nifty phone with its nifty running distance app. Imagine my surprise when I saw the 6-mile marker. I did manage to gun it for the last 0.2 miles, but that was not enough for a new record.
I feel that this experience pretty much sums up me trying to improve my 10k time. When I think that I'm about to do well, things don't go as planned. In fact, I had a better 5M mile split for quite a while and just could not seem to bring up the slightly longer distance. Last year, after a decent turkey trot 10k the Thanksgiving before that was a PR -- albeit not that impressive of one, I felt -- I found a 10k plan, signed myself for two 10ks, and set out to break my PR. I thought that this would be a piece of cake because I was going to put in good, solid training and I had broken my 5k PR in the fall.
It didn't happen. I didn't train as often or as well as I wanted. Neither of the races went particularly well. The first one I overheated, even though it was in the 30s (dumb!). The second one, I overheated, but that was because it was getting hot again (normal). In fact, in the second one, I thought that I was last at one point and was ready to actually quit. That would have been a first. But somehow I powered through it and, as it turned out, was nowhere near last (this was fortunate because there were two super-slow walky-runny people behind me or I would have been. But I wasn't. We can argue about the absolute value of this accomplishment another time).
I realize that some people might not see this as failing necessarily. After all, I did run both 10ks. I did complete them in relatively acceptable times. But it still felt like I failed, and that I could attribute my failure to the fact that training was not very good.
Maybe my lesson here is that the late winter/early spring is not my time to train well. Work tends to get busy at this point in the year and I generally feel more tired. That leads to not wanting to run, even when the workouts are shorter than my marathon ones were. Not to mention that I have more days when I just want to rest. Or maybe I am not being as diligent about carving out my running time as I was during marathon training. Whatever it is, things are not working right now. Hence my preemptive quit.
I still plan to run my 5ks, although I don't think that either of them will be a PR (I would put big money on this). And I do see this as a failure. But I'm trying to keep my focus on the big picture. A long time ago, I decided that I would not get mad at myself for what I can or cannot do as a runner. Because if I do spend my time getting angry, then I won't want to run anymore, and then I will quit. That would be a true failing and the worst one. It's hard enough to motivate yourself sometimes without having a little voice inside working against you.
So for the next week -- until February 15, when my work deadlines will abate -- I have a new plan. Actually, it's a new not-plan. I am not planning what to do. If I want to run, I will run. If I want to do an exercise video, so I shall. If I want to swim, that's good too. However, I will do something. The schedule will be today, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. For someone who is a born planner, this is quite a change of pace.
Today I went for a run. It was short. I cut it shorter than I had initially planned for it to be. I had no watch or phone or fun toy--they will come back, just not for right now. However, I succeeded. I went. I got the shoes on and left the house. In my long-term plan, I've still failed. But what matters now is what I do afterward.
Zoe,I have a lot of respect for your decision to just chill. When I was seriously training for marathons, I had it in my mind that I would do certain workouts during the week, but I left it up to my body (and schedule) to decide when I felt like doing them. So while other people in training were doing crappy loops around Somerville on garbage night* because they HAD to do X that day even though they felt like crap, I was happily doing one of several options elsewhere. That worked really well for me, but I know it doesn't work for a lot of runners. I really enjoy every run because I don't put a lot of pressure on myself.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I'm someone who thinks doing 400m sprint repeats until I'm practically puking is fun.
*disclaimer: every night is garbage night somewhere in Somerville